Finland tourist guide
This is a short tourist guide to Finland. We (I) suggest that you
take it very seriously, since we ARE TELLING THE TRUTH!
Notice: Each advice will be told for white people and non-white people, like
black (=negroes, blackies, mudfaces, SCUBA-suits, etc.), oriental
people, indians, etc.
1. Arriving.
When you walk out of the aeroplane, you are propably in Helsinki. It is
a city where most people who live there would not like to live, but
don't want to admit it. Don't be afraid - we are usually trying to
be very 'international' so there will be some kind of airport
terminal nearby.
1.b) Determining your location.
The modern world provides us many chances for mistakes, so you
should try to find if you really have come to Finland.
Method A:
If you are black, it's easy: just ask anything from anyone,
if he runs away pointing at you and shouts: "NEEKERI,
NEEKERI!", you have come to the right place.
Method B:
If you are red, the police will propably either shoot you or
take you to a zoo. Don't scream! Then they will consider you
dangerous and shoot you immediately.
Method C:
If you are yellow, it's also very easy: if you ask
something from anyone, he runs away as fast as he can. Don't
run after him, since then SUPO (our intelligence agency) may
notice you and arrest you as an industrial spy.
Method D:
If you are white, everyone will smile at you and walk away.
Don't make the mistake that you would go after them since
then they would not smile anymore and would still walk away.
Don't try their patience, they may become violent.
Then your problems will start.
2. Deciding where to go.
If you want to have a miserable holiday/business_trip/etc., you will
have to stay in Helsinki, but propably you want to wander around
Finland. No, don't be afraid, you don't have to do this on a horse
(although this too is possible), but you can use many different
sophisticated vehicles, like trains, rented cars, aeroplanes,
bicycles, etc.
- If you want to see lots of museums, and get bored to death, you
must come to visit Turku (I live there, very stupid city). Only
actually interesting place in Turku is it's great, superb,
wonderful, truly amazing, beautiful university. It's easy to find
- just walk anywhere and you have found it. You can also come to
visit me, but don't expect me to be different from other finns.
- Lappi is a place where every tourist always wants to visit. There
are many places in Lappi, where you can see original lapps riding
on raindeers, they will offer you some piss of a raindeer (a local
delicasy), you will be taken to a river where they will drop some
gold in water and then you can find some of it again. You will be
able to speak to the Santa Claus (the One and Only), and if it's
cristmas time he will give you a present (with no cost, but of
course you can be generous or next year you won't get anything).
3. Asking directions.
If you have to do this, you have been stupid since you haven't
bought a good, super-quality finnish map. About 100% of finns
between ages of from 9 to 50 understand english perfectly, sometimes
they can even write it a little, but for God's sake, DON'T EXPECT
THEM TO SPEAK ENGLISH!
If you really want to get something from a local native, explain
what you want *perfectly*, so that he doesn't have to ask
you anything, becouse he won't.